God Bless Patrick Swayze…

It’s official. Patrick Swayze has pancreatic cancer. This is one of the bad cancers. The survival numbers aren’t good. The initial reports said he had 5 weeks to live, but his doctors have said this is bullshit. For right now the doctors say the cancer is limited and Swayze is responding well to treatment.

I know this is a tough time for everyone, and maybe you don’t want to get out of bed and face a world where Swayze has cancer, but it’s important we all stay strong for Swayze. Let’s not try and make sense of this. Instead, let’s try and remember all that Swayze has given us.

Eventually we can mobilize and maybe have a Dance against Cancer Swayze Dance-a-thon or something. But for now, I just want to get everyone more Swayze aware; by discussing possible answers to the question we are all asking ourselves:

Which Swayze character has the best chance to defeat cancer??

This is one of those questions that will be talked about for the next thousand years, like Roe vs. Wade or Brown vs. Board of Education or O.J. vs. Those People He Killed. It’s hard to say who would be the best candidate to kick Cancer’s Ass.

Let’s try to anyway…

Dalton – Roadhouse

Dalton just solved problems; it’s what he did. He saved the Double Deuce. Then he saved the town from Wesley. Someone in the town would probably give their pancreas to Swayze, even if it meant they would not be able to pancreate?? (I don’t know what a pancreas does.) That town owes Swayze… they owe him big.

In the battle against cancer Dalton would probably use his 3 simple rules.

  • Never underestimate your opponent. Expect the unexpected.
  • Take it outside.
  • Be nice.

How he will take cancer outside and be nice to it is hard to say. But I’m not the one with a philosophy degree from NYU… that would be Dalton. Dalton is a hell of a fighter, some would say the best, but it’s his quest for self-realization and study of metaphysics that make him the cooler… the problem solver.

That… and his mentor Wade, was played by Sam Elliot. No one is tougher than Sam Elliot. Sam Elliot was Virgil in Tombstone, the narrator in Big Lebowski, and the Marlboro Man in Thank You for Smoking. He wins the awards for coolest voice and best mustache in every room he’s in, which may be the two most prestigious awards you can get. When he is not in the room the awards are called The Sam Elliot Awards for Best Mustache and Coolest Voice. Wade taught Dalton to be cooler. Wade was the best, and now Dalton is the best. If I were cancer, I would rather die than be killed by Dalton or Wade.

At one point Dalton sees a group of troublemakers enter the Double Deuce, one of which has a knife protruding from his left boot. He handles the situation like this…

Dalton – Sorry boys the bar is closed
Troublemaker– Then what are these people doing here?
Dalton – Having a good time.
Troublemaker – Well, that’s why we’re here to have a good time.
(TM now tries to kick Dalton with his knife-boot, but Dalton sees it coming and grabs his foot)
Dalton – No, you’re too stupid to have a good time.

I think of this every time I see someone lose their cool at a bar. You wouldn’t think someone could be too stupid to have a good time, but really that is the only explanation. Some guys go to bars not to meet babes and have a good time; some of em have something to prove. Some people are just too stupid to have a good time.

Jed – Red Dawn

Jed is a great candidate to kick cancer’s ass. A born leader, Jed commanded the Wolverine’s, a militia of American high school kids, who single handedly took down the Soviets and the Cubans, rescued their parents, and stopped Communism once and for all. So yeah, I think Jed could handle a little cancer. He led a group of makeshift soldiers, which included, Charlie Sheen (Platoon, Hot Shots), C. Thomas Howell (The Outsiders, Soul Man), Lea Thompson (Back to the Future), and Jennifer Grey (Dirty Dancing). Is there a tougher gang? Doubt it.

C. Thomas Howell, in case you don’t already know, is an 80’s icon with the likes of John Cusack and Patrick Dempsey. Howell has one edge on these two guys. He fought under Swayze twice, once in Red Dawn and once as Swayze’s little brother Ponyboy in The Outsiders. Quite the resume. However, I’m a bigger fan of his role in Soul Man, where he painted his face black to get into college as a minority… really funny, really offensive, and probably is the reason he is less successful than Cusack and Dempsey.

(Side Note: I once wrote an eight page paper in college entitled, “Cusack and Dempsey: God’s Among Men.” I think it was for an engineering class. I’m not a very good student.)

Matthew in Maryland makes his argument for Jed:

“ Swayze is great as all those Characters. But what beats a war hero? I mean seriously. I don’t know about you guys, but I am an American, A fucking Proud American…And Ill be damned if some commi assholes invades my beautiful country.

‘Your just a bunch scared little kids’ -Jed

He was right, and he turned those scared little kids into soldiers. Not only did he kill bad guys, but he showed those other boys how to be men and kill like men.”

You can’t fault a man for loving his country, and I certainly don’t fault Matthew for loving his Swayze. Jed is a solid Swayze to pick, like Matt said, nothing beats a war hero.

Let’s make this clear now. Comparing Swayze characters is like comparing Sexy apples to Badass oranges… there really is no wrong answer here.

Bodhi – Point Break
Bodhi is possibly the most well rounded Swayze. He’s fearless, crazy, above the law, and understands of the cosmic balance between man and nature. Bodhi would fight cancer like he fought the law or how he fought Anthony Kiedis’ gang of assholes. Back off Warchild!! Those guys only live to get radical; they’ll never get the spiritual side of it. Bodhi exemplified the spiritual side of being an outlaw surfer.

You know Bodhi wouldn’t stop fighting cancer until his last breath. You also know he couldn’t handle a cage. He would take on cancer like the fifty-year storm, and surf into it without fear or hesitation. Maybe he won’t paddle to New Zealand, but he isn’t scared of the ultimate.

I don’t see Bodhi going through chemotherapy; he would defiantly use alternative medicines. His understanding of nature and the human psyche is beyond that of any other Swayze, and he could use that to fight cancer in a ‘mind over body’ type style.

Here is Jesse in Jersey with his Bodhi argument:

“Swayze’s character Bodhi in Point Break would be the best candidate to beat the cancer. Swayze has kept a very positive attitude regarding the diagnosis, which is proven to help cancer survivors. If you recall Point Break, Bodhi’s mantra was completely positive and fearless.

“Fear causes hesitation, and hesitation will cause your worst fears to come true. ”

In the event of terminal cancer, Swayze would ride off into the surf, get radical for the last time and be one with the earth and heavens. By doing this, he will become the martyr which breeds the philosophical entity that changes human civilization as we know it. Swayze will live on forever, as he is a part of all of us.

I thank Swayze everyday because I would be lost without him.”

Agreed Jesse, agreed.

Sam – Ghost

I’m going to start this one off with another fan’s take.

Here is Deek in VA with his Sam argument:

“I’d make the argument that Swayze’s character “Sam” in Ghost has a real good chance of beating cancer. Sam somehow managed to bring down his attacker Willie as well as his scumbag friend Carl…even though he was already dead. I don’t know too many people who have accomplished that. I have faith he can get through this.

You’ve gotta take all your emotion, all your love, all your pain and push it way down deep in to the pit of your stomach and let it explode like a reactor. Pow!”

All great points Deek. But lest not forget that Sam only managed to defeat Willie and Carl after Willie and Carl killed him. It wasn’t until he was already dead that he bested those two fuckers. Our goal here is to beat cancer BEFORE it kills Swayze. So even though it is comforting knowing that even in death, nothing will really kill Swayze, we still need to beat this cancer while he’s still alive.

If Swayze does die though, I’d like to think he’d come back to haunt Demi Moore. Can you imagine him using his ghost powers to enter Whoopi Goldberg’s body and warn Demi Moore that Ashton Kutcher is a dooshbag?

We would be watching the View, as I know we all like to do, and this would occur…

The other Black Lady – “I think the president should get off his butt and start presidenting.”

Barbara Walters- “I agree, I’m weally weally old. And I think bwah bwah bwah.”

Whoopi – “You women are a bunch of loud, annoying cunts! Shut the fuck up! Barbara you fuckin cyborg, just die already. The rest of you should be shipped off to some whorehouse in the South Pacific where they beat you with bamboo when you talk. Oh and Demi, Sam says, You in Danger girl!!”

Ditto Swayze, Ditto.

(Side note: Whoopi Goldberg was a or still is a guy right? Like can you imagine Whoopi naked and not having a penis? Which is more likely, ugliest women ever, or guy pretending to be a woman? Think about it… but don’t think about it long, because you might throw up. If I were a ghost, I think the last thing I would do is enter Whoopi Goldberg. I wouldn’t’ do it as a live person, I’m sure as hell not going to do it when I’m stuck between worlds with ghost powers.)

And yes, I realize my “Side Notes” are just an excuse for me to go on ridiculous tangents.

If anyone wants to throw in their two cents for Darryl from the Outsiders, or Johnny Castle from Dirty Dancing (too easy), or even Jack McCloud in three Wishes (he’s a fuckin shooting star/genie in that movie), or whatever your favorite Swayze is, by all means reply to this or add on to it and send it to friends. For respect for Swayze, can we all pretend the Donnie Darko child molester thing never happened? Great movie, but I don’t need to see Swayze like that.

What is really upsetting is how this story came out. The National Enquirer breaks the story, which means some scumbag is patting himself on the back and probably getting a bonus from his scumbag boss because he stalked Swayze. On top of that, those cocksuckers didn’t think Swayze having cancer was enough, so they made that shit up about his 5 weeks to live. The guy doesn’t even get to announce his own disease Magic Johnson style. Swayze has to read it in the tabloids with the added bonus of 5 WEEKS TO LIVE! That’s fuckin with Swayze’s family. That paparazzo should be living in a cave somewhere like Bin Laden. If Swayze fought terrorism the war would end with Swayze holding Bin Laden’s ripped trachea in his hand.

I happen to stumble across Entertainment Tonight, or The Insider or whatever the one with the blonde is, and I’m pretty sure this is Satan’s favorite show. I bet he Tivo’s it. Anyway, they have a countdown on that show for the daily entertainment headlines. Swayze dying of cancer… number 10. Number fuckin 10?!? I think Madonna’s open auditions for back-up dancers was number 6 and Britney farting may have been number 1. We’re in trouble people.

So pray to whatever God it is you pray to that Swayze makes it outta this one, and spread your inner Swayze with every moment of every day. Maybe if we all maximize our Swayzeness, he’ll feel it, and that will give him enough positive energy to fight this thing.

Hey it’s worth a shot, right?



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4 responses to “God Bless Patrick Swayze…

  1. Sal the Gabootz

    ok…on this swayze thing…
    First – He’s no Chuck Norris.
    I think above everything else – Pattie would stand the best chance to beat this cancer thing if he could get cast (very soon) into a role where he at least portrays – if not stars as – Chuck Norris.
    Of course since Chuck is still alive and well with super-human powers – this would be pretty fucking unlikely.

    Second – Two words: Derek Sutton
    His character in Youngblood was ruthless, tough, determined and well, …young. If any Swayze is gunna best a killer disease, it needs to be a young Swayze.
    Hell, I’m 49 now and I can’t do a 1/4 of the shit I could do at 29. Young Swayze trumps old Swayze…in looks, acting and white cell count.

    Third – I’m outta shit. I cast a two-way tie vote:
    1 -for Bohdie – best character he every played and your points previously made stand true.
    1- for Dalton- shit man, the dude has rules. Who has rules? Really….c’mon…do you? Doubt it – you loser.
    That and he killed a guy in self-defense….know in my circles as the wimpiest way to kill a dude…but since Pattie turned down a casting call to be in Platoon and has yet to do a real war flick (sans Red Dawn – which was more like sci-fi…as if we’d ever let commies land on our soil w/o visas to play in the nhl…), being the second best bouncer known to rednecks, hicks, honkies and white trashers…is kinda up there.

  2. Uncle Rico

    Guys, I am not a Patrick Swayze fan at all….but I caught your article and it had heart.

    I need to lay down a little 4-11 on y’all though.
    Bohdie – was allowed to surf the 100 year storm in Australia…not a meazley 50 year storm.
    …and I quote IMDB….
    Johnny Utah: I’ve been to every city in Mexico. I came across an unclaimed piece of meat in Baja, turned out to be Rosie. I guessed he picked a knife fight with somebody better. Found one of your passports to Sumatra, I missed you by about a week at Fiji. But, I knew you wouldn’t miss the hundred year storm, Bodhi.

    In my neck of the surf…50-year storms are for babies, grommets and pussies. No self-serving waterman even gets out of bed for one of those.

    Bells Beach in Australia was the basis for that last movie scene…however the famous closing scene was actually shot in Oregon. It is widely known that Bells Beach – much like most surf breaks that are points – could not in reality handle the size of a wave that would be the result of a 100-year storm. Not many surf breaks can…but if you wish to emulate Bohdie and make it your life’s destination to try…start with Cortez Bank…100-so miles off the coast of San Diego, CA.

    Let me know how you do…

    If you can dodge a 100-year storm wave at Cortez Bank … you can dodge cancer.

  3. MotherHen

    Okay, i believe there is one other character that was not mentioned. It wasnt one of his greatest films, but it was one that showed a whole lot of balls to do …

    the character of course — “Vida Boheme” — yes, his drag queen name in “To Wong Fu, thanks for Everything Juli Newmar”

    Being that i am female, i believe that swayze would kick cancers butt as this character for one huge reason, … any man with a foot the size of his, to strut in a pair of stilletto heels, ….. That boy can kick cancer.

    also, i would like to second my vote for Bodhi being another great character, but still feel strongly for the other character listed above!!

  4. williamjdoyle

    First of all, Sal, if that’s your real name. Swayze would dance fight circles around Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris is probably the most overrated action star of all time. I know all the sayings, Norris doesn’t sleep he waits… His tears cure cancer but he never cries… it’s all real funny, and the guy in the room who can remember the most is always the funniest dude around, since you’re probably that guy, I applaud you. Could Norris have pulled off Dalton, maybe, but not with the same flair or charisma that Swayze did, that’s for sure. Could Norris have played Bodhi, Sam, or Vida Boheme? Absolutely not. Swayze is just too versatile. End of argument.
    Let’s try and stay focused here on the man with the big C, it’s his time now. Also, if Swayze backed a presidential candidate he would have at least made it outta the primaries…

    As for you Uncle Rico, you’re right it was the 100-year storm. A ghastly error that I may not ever forgive myself for. As if Bodhi would even sneeze at a 50-year storm. I do find it weird however that you’re not a Swayze fan yet you know quite a bit about the final scene in Point Break. It’s okay Rico, you can admit it… you love him. We all do, it doesn’t make you any less of a man… in fact, Swayze love can only teach you to be more of a man. Just something to think on.

    Finally, Miss Hen, I like where your head’s at. I was called out by a friend for leaving out Too Wong Foo, but I told him I just didn’t know the movie well enough to comment and I was hoping someone would. So I thank you for being that person.

    It seems like the most agreed upon character for most likely kicking cancer’s ass is Bodhi. I have to say I’m pleased. At first glance, I thought it would be Dalton because of his “throat removing” death blow, but the more I thought about it the more I realized how much more well equipped Bodhi is for fighting a disease. He just understand more about what we don’t understand.

    Alright, I’m done with you people.