Unsexiest Women Alive

I have to pay respect to Maxim. I have to swallow my pride and rescind my previous take on Maxim, claiming it is completely worthless and filled with 100 % Dooshbag writers. It’s not 100%. Probably like 80 – 90%.

The people at Maxim recently took a poll ranking the World’s Unsexiest Women. I won’t fault them for making up a word, because Unsexiest Woman Alive is definitely a funny award to win. If I had been asked, I would have said Sarah Jessica Parker, and guess who won?

America’s favorite horse faced actress… Sarah Jessica Parker.

Watch the CNN.com video…

http://www.cnn.com/video/?/video/showbiz/2008/03/24/parker.unsexiest.woman.cnn

Notice the commentator, a clearly obese, ’self-esteem expert’ named Jessica Weiner… Not that it needs to be said, but I guess when you’re a fat chick named Weiner, all you can be is a self-esteem expert. She’s probably been battling self-esteem longer than anyone else. I bet she talks with her mouth full.

Anyway, I love how this “NEWS” video and all the other videos are so outraged by this poll. SJP (I’m not spelling her name out anymore. Fuck people and their three names.) is some kind of anointed saint by her Sex in the City disciples. Anything that claims otherwise is blasphemy.

Since they decided not to have anyone on this show representing the magazine, or the readership who voted in the poll, I think it’s only fair to all the confused hags out there, that I explain why SJP is the Unsexiest Woman in the World…

She’s not the Unsexiest Woman Alive, I mean, what about all the nasty women all over the world that are way less sexy than SJP?

Come on people, the poll wasn’t going to name Martha the 50-year-old chain-smoker, with 8 kids, and a FUPA, who hangs out at the bowling alley bar every night… the list pertains to celebrities, so let’s not ask dumb questions.

What about Rosie O’Donnell? Isn’t she less sexy than SJP?

You see, Rosie O’Donnell doesn’t count because she’s not really viewed as a woman to most men. When you ask about women, Rosie doesn’t come into play… she is sexless. Plus she’s a bona fide lesbian, and the list implies that the woman actually has sex with men. Women that think they’re men, do not count.

A question like who is the unsexiest woman is interesting because it’s not just who is the ugliest or who is the most unattractive. Unsexiest implies so much more. SJP is the embodiment of all that is unsexy. She is the answer to all questions I ask myself when the subject of sex with a celebrity comes up…

Who could play a witch without any make-up at all? Whose voice sends a chill down the spine of straight men? Who gained popularity through a show about 40-year-old hookers, which women love because they think it’s about “strong women turning the tables on the double standard” when really its just a bunch of sad old whores, who think going to lunch, shopping, making ridiculous generalizations about men, and drinking martinis is a fuckin’ healthy way to live?

This is what put her over the top: Sex and the City is like an anti-boner pill for men.

Sure SJP is ugly, but ugly doesn’t make her 1. Sure, she needs to eat some meat and lay off the weights, but her body is far from terrible. She’s 1 because that show represents all that is depressing to men about the future of women in America. We don’t want to believe girls are really just younger versions of these women, and its sad to think any girl would want to be.

All the news coverage on this, and there is sadly a lot of it, is using the headline: SJP Fights Back over Unsexy Title, or some shit like that. She’s fighting back? How do you fight back against a poll of straight men that consider you the least appealing woman alive? This is her left hook, jab combination:

“Do I have big fake boobs, Botox, and big fake lips? No.” says Parker. “Do I fit some ideals of some men writing in a men’s magazine? Maybe not.”

Way to fight back SJP. I’m sure your publicist thought this would be a great time to start the crusade against surgically enhanced women, it’s a solid move… and Maxim is an easy target for having a shallow audience. (Believe me I know)

Unfortunately, it’s complete bullshit. Her lack of surgical procedures are not the reason she won this prestigious award. If it were, Natalie Portman would have won. (I love her) And in all seriousness, SJP has nice boobs, and nice lips. And she’s not fat, that’s for sure.

She does have a horse face, but a horse face alone doesn’t win her this award. It’s more than just that. It’s what she represents to straight guys ages 16-30 who read Maxim and try to fuck girls that watch Sex and the City. She represents a chore. She is what men have to put up with, when trying to fuck dumb sexy women.

Have I put too much thought into this? I put too much thought into everything, but I just thought the award was funny, and the CNN video pissed me off because its so clearly one sided… Explaining this makes me feel better.

Rounding out the top 5…

5. Britney Spears –Talentless and a trainwreck… makes sense. Wouldn’t be surprised if she’s back on the other end of it again though.
4. Madonna – Yeah, she’s really gross. The original aging hooker.
3. Sandra Oh – Oh my, she is not attractive.
2. Amy Winehouse– I disagree. She’s a rockstar. I like my rockstars all drugged out and crazy… she has talent. Talent is sexy. Her voice is sexy. I’m a fan.

(Weird side note: I imdb-ed SJP and it turns out today is her 43rd birthday. Happy Birthday Horse Face.)

Enough about women that I don’t love…

To balance this out, I want to talk about a woman I do love who also recently made the news. Corrine Bailey Rae’s husband was found dead yesterday, he was 31-years-old. Bailey Rae, 29, is a British Soul/Pop singer/songwriter. She’s gorgeous, has a sexy voice, and her songs are written and performed with passion. When she sings about heartbreak or sadness, I actually believe her. She’s the kind of anti-Britney type artist I wish more women listened to.

You can actually hear the pain in her voice, as if she’s a real artist… imagine that. I felt bad when I read about her husband, and I don’t very often feel bad for people I don’t know. But sometimes you feel like you understand someone just by listening to their music or writing… ya know?

I’ve been called a sap for listening to CBR, I know, it’s sappy music… but I got no problem with love songs. I just want them to be real. Call me crazy, but I require this from my musicians. She’s authentic, I’m sure of it… and that’s extremely sexy to me.

Anyway, her husband was a musician, and the cause of death is unknown, but expected to be drugs. Selfishly, this should make for some good music, and now she’s single… which is nice.

For all of you that just said, “Wow, this guy is a fuckin monster.”

Yes, yes I am.

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