Author Archives: williamjdoyle

Unsexiest Women Alive

I have to pay respect to Maxim. I have to swallow my pride and rescind my previous take on Maxim, claiming it is completely worthless and filled with 100 % Dooshbag writers. It’s not 100%. Probably like 80 – 90%.

The people at Maxim recently took a poll ranking the World’s Unsexiest Women. I won’t fault them for making up a word, because Unsexiest Woman Alive is definitely a funny award to win. If I had been asked, I would have said Sarah Jessica Parker, and guess who won?

America’s favorite horse faced actress… Sarah Jessica Parker.

Watch the CNN.com video…

http://www.cnn.com/video/?/video/showbiz/2008/03/24/parker.unsexiest.woman.cnn

Notice the commentator, a clearly obese, ’self-esteem expert’ named Jessica Weiner… Not that it needs to be said, but I guess when you’re a fat chick named Weiner, all you can be is a self-esteem expert. She’s probably been battling self-esteem longer than anyone else. I bet she talks with her mouth full.

Anyway, I love how this “NEWS” video and all the other videos are so outraged by this poll. SJP (I’m not spelling her name out anymore. Fuck people and their three names.) is some kind of anointed saint by her Sex in the City disciples. Anything that claims otherwise is blasphemy.

Since they decided not to have anyone on this show representing the magazine, or the readership who voted in the poll, I think it’s only fair to all the confused hags out there, that I explain why SJP is the Unsexiest Woman in the World…

She’s not the Unsexiest Woman Alive, I mean, what about all the nasty women all over the world that are way less sexy than SJP?

Come on people, the poll wasn’t going to name Martha the 50-year-old chain-smoker, with 8 kids, and a FUPA, who hangs out at the bowling alley bar every night… the list pertains to celebrities, so let’s not ask dumb questions.

What about Rosie O’Donnell? Isn’t she less sexy than SJP?

You see, Rosie O’Donnell doesn’t count because she’s not really viewed as a woman to most men. When you ask about women, Rosie doesn’t come into play… she is sexless. Plus she’s a bona fide lesbian, and the list implies that the woman actually has sex with men. Women that think they’re men, do not count.

A question like who is the unsexiest woman is interesting because it’s not just who is the ugliest or who is the most unattractive. Unsexiest implies so much more. SJP is the embodiment of all that is unsexy. She is the answer to all questions I ask myself when the subject of sex with a celebrity comes up…

Who could play a witch without any make-up at all? Whose voice sends a chill down the spine of straight men? Who gained popularity through a show about 40-year-old hookers, which women love because they think it’s about “strong women turning the tables on the double standard” when really its just a bunch of sad old whores, who think going to lunch, shopping, making ridiculous generalizations about men, and drinking martinis is a fuckin’ healthy way to live?

This is what put her over the top: Sex and the City is like an anti-boner pill for men.

Sure SJP is ugly, but ugly doesn’t make her 1. Sure, she needs to eat some meat and lay off the weights, but her body is far from terrible. She’s 1 because that show represents all that is depressing to men about the future of women in America. We don’t want to believe girls are really just younger versions of these women, and its sad to think any girl would want to be.

All the news coverage on this, and there is sadly a lot of it, is using the headline: SJP Fights Back over Unsexy Title, or some shit like that. She’s fighting back? How do you fight back against a poll of straight men that consider you the least appealing woman alive? This is her left hook, jab combination:

“Do I have big fake boobs, Botox, and big fake lips? No.” says Parker. “Do I fit some ideals of some men writing in a men’s magazine? Maybe not.”

Way to fight back SJP. I’m sure your publicist thought this would be a great time to start the crusade against surgically enhanced women, it’s a solid move… and Maxim is an easy target for having a shallow audience. (Believe me I know)

Unfortunately, it’s complete bullshit. Her lack of surgical procedures are not the reason she won this prestigious award. If it were, Natalie Portman would have won. (I love her) And in all seriousness, SJP has nice boobs, and nice lips. And she’s not fat, that’s for sure.

She does have a horse face, but a horse face alone doesn’t win her this award. It’s more than just that. It’s what she represents to straight guys ages 16-30 who read Maxim and try to fuck girls that watch Sex and the City. She represents a chore. She is what men have to put up with, when trying to fuck dumb sexy women.

Have I put too much thought into this? I put too much thought into everything, but I just thought the award was funny, and the CNN video pissed me off because its so clearly one sided… Explaining this makes me feel better.

Rounding out the top 5…

5. Britney Spears –Talentless and a trainwreck… makes sense. Wouldn’t be surprised if she’s back on the other end of it again though.
4. Madonna – Yeah, she’s really gross. The original aging hooker.
3. Sandra Oh – Oh my, she is not attractive.
2. Amy Winehouse– I disagree. She’s a rockstar. I like my rockstars all drugged out and crazy… she has talent. Talent is sexy. Her voice is sexy. I’m a fan.

(Weird side note: I imdb-ed SJP and it turns out today is her 43rd birthday. Happy Birthday Horse Face.)

Enough about women that I don’t love…

To balance this out, I want to talk about a woman I do love who also recently made the news. Corrine Bailey Rae’s husband was found dead yesterday, he was 31-years-old. Bailey Rae, 29, is a British Soul/Pop singer/songwriter. She’s gorgeous, has a sexy voice, and her songs are written and performed with passion. When she sings about heartbreak or sadness, I actually believe her. She’s the kind of anti-Britney type artist I wish more women listened to.

You can actually hear the pain in her voice, as if she’s a real artist… imagine that. I felt bad when I read about her husband, and I don’t very often feel bad for people I don’t know. But sometimes you feel like you understand someone just by listening to their music or writing… ya know?

I’ve been called a sap for listening to CBR, I know, it’s sappy music… but I got no problem with love songs. I just want them to be real. Call me crazy, but I require this from my musicians. She’s authentic, I’m sure of it… and that’s extremely sexy to me.

Anyway, her husband was a musician, and the cause of death is unknown, but expected to be drugs. Selfishly, this should make for some good music, and now she’s single… which is nice.

For all of you that just said, “Wow, this guy is a fuckin monster.”

Yes, yes I am.

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Lenny “Nails” Dykstra

I’ve been waiting for this interview to get on Youtube since I saw it a few weeks back.  Unfortunately it’s only 2 minutes worth.  If you get a chance, watch the whole Real Sports interview with Dykstra.  He’s absolutely hilarious.  He sounds like he’s been boxing for 30 years, and he’s a financial genius.  He doesn’t pull any punches.  He has his world famous car washes, where you can get four different packages:  The Single, The Double, The Triple, and the Homerun.  The old guy asks, “What comes with the homerun?”  Dykstra says, “All this bullshit.”  Then he puts his hand over his mouth and wispers as if only the old man will hear him, “Get the Double.”

You gotta love the Dude.

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Iverson Reaction…

Iverson came back last night.  A 15-month wait definitely added to the anticipation, and I would say it lived up to every expectation.  I love how the national issue, on PTI, Sports Center, and if I could stand watching Around the Horn, I’m sure stat boy brought it up.

How would the fans react?

This had to be one of the dumbest, media drawn-up questions ever.  There was no doubt in my or any Philly fan’s mind that the man would get a standing O.  A better question is;

Would the crowd get so emotional, that they all leave the arena to gain composure, then when that didn’t work, would they all go to Billy King’s house and poop on his lawn?

I wonder what Skip Bayless would have prognosticated.

I’m pressed to remember any athlete’s return to his old team being so emotional.  Thank God the announcer began introducing the rest of the Nuggets because A.I. was about to lose it, and frankly, so was I.

I was proud of the crowd for mustering up a powerful booing for the Nuggets after such an ovation.  When A.I. started blowing kisses, I was okay, when he pounded his chest, I was okay, but when he pulled out the old Hulk Hogan ear to the crowd… I had to think happy thoughts.  The Hogan ear was his go to move whenever he realized how sick the show he was putting on was.

What a great game too.  That was the most intensity I’ve seen in a Sixers game since Iverson left.  Not only does A.I. make everyone on his team better, he makes everyone on his old team better.  No basketball player in the league relates to his fans like Iverson.  That’s something 100 years from now, the numbers won’t show, and only the lucky fans that got to see him play will understand.

Iverson understands.  He understands exactly what happened in Philly, and he even takes responsibility for it.   “I had a big hand in me getting traded,” Iverson said. “I always wanted to finish my career here in Philadelphia. The opportunity was there for me to do it. In a lot of ways, I made sure that didn’t happen.”

I wish Larry Brown came into the press conference at this point and pulled a Robin Williams/Good Will Hunting on him.

“Hey Allen, you see this shit, all this.  It’s Not your fault.”
“Yeah, I know.”
“It’s Not your fault.”
“I know.”
“No, no you don’t.  It’s not your fault.  It’s not your fault”
“Don’t fuck with me Larry!”
“It’s not your fault.”
“Don’t fuck with me Larry!  Don’t fuck with me, not you!”

Then they just hug and cry.

Okay, maybe I wish I had done that and not Larry.

Anyone that doesn’t recognize how incredible an athlete, how rare it is for an athlete to have the understanding Iverson has about the way he’s perceived and the maturity to handle it the way he does, is well, I’ll just say it… a racist.  And probably a Nazi.

I think that’s accurate.  Anyone who doesn’t love and appreciate someone like Iverson is very clearly, a Nazi.

On a side note.  The Sixers look promising, very athletic, very young, and seemingly no attitude problems.  If they can land a veteran 3 point shooter, they might actually contend for the east on a yearly basis.  I wouldn’t put it past them to make waves in the playoffs this year, which is a huge surprise.

Iverson is the greatest Philadelphia sports Icon of the last 20 years… hands down.  Eskin can eat a dick up til he hiccups.

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Our Newest Member at the (215)

William J Doyle

Not a lot is known about William, some say he’s more myth untitled.jpgthan man.  His name is used as an alias for criminals, degenerates, and people signing up for free karate lessons.  He sometimes goes by Billy, Bill, or the Doy. 

We’re not really sure where he posts from or how, because he is a known illiterate.  Some say he is the real life inspiration for Keyser Soze from The Usual Suspects.  Others say he is the real life inspiration for Charlie Conway from the Mighty Ducks.  It’s hard to say which is true.  We allow him to keep posting though, because he may very well be mentally disabled and we can write it off as charity on our taxes.

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God Bless Patrick Swayze…

It’s official. Patrick Swayze has pancreatic cancer. This is one of the bad cancers. The survival numbers aren’t good. The initial reports said he had 5 weeks to live, but his doctors have said this is bullshit. For right now the doctors say the cancer is limited and Swayze is responding well to treatment.

I know this is a tough time for everyone, and maybe you don’t want to get out of bed and face a world where Swayze has cancer, but it’s important we all stay strong for Swayze. Let’s not try and make sense of this. Instead, let’s try and remember all that Swayze has given us.

Eventually we can mobilize and maybe have a Dance against Cancer Swayze Dance-a-thon or something. But for now, I just want to get everyone more Swayze aware; by discussing possible answers to the question we are all asking ourselves:

Which Swayze character has the best chance to defeat cancer??

This is one of those questions that will be talked about for the next thousand years, like Roe vs. Wade or Brown vs. Board of Education or O.J. vs. Those People He Killed. It’s hard to say who would be the best candidate to kick Cancer’s Ass.

Let’s try to anyway…

Dalton – Roadhouse

Dalton just solved problems; it’s what he did. He saved the Double Deuce. Then he saved the town from Wesley. Someone in the town would probably give their pancreas to Swayze, even if it meant they would not be able to pancreate?? (I don’t know what a pancreas does.) That town owes Swayze… they owe him big.

In the battle against cancer Dalton would probably use his 3 simple rules.

  • Never underestimate your opponent. Expect the unexpected.
  • Take it outside.
  • Be nice.

How he will take cancer outside and be nice to it is hard to say. But I’m not the one with a philosophy degree from NYU… that would be Dalton. Dalton is a hell of a fighter, some would say the best, but it’s his quest for self-realization and study of metaphysics that make him the cooler… the problem solver.

That… and his mentor Wade, was played by Sam Elliot. No one is tougher than Sam Elliot. Sam Elliot was Virgil in Tombstone, the narrator in Big Lebowski, and the Marlboro Man in Thank You for Smoking. He wins the awards for coolest voice and best mustache in every room he’s in, which may be the two most prestigious awards you can get. When he is not in the room the awards are called The Sam Elliot Awards for Best Mustache and Coolest Voice. Wade taught Dalton to be cooler. Wade was the best, and now Dalton is the best. If I were cancer, I would rather die than be killed by Dalton or Wade.

At one point Dalton sees a group of troublemakers enter the Double Deuce, one of which has a knife protruding from his left boot. He handles the situation like this…

Dalton – Sorry boys the bar is closed
Troublemaker– Then what are these people doing here?
Dalton – Having a good time.
Troublemaker – Well, that’s why we’re here to have a good time.
(TM now tries to kick Dalton with his knife-boot, but Dalton sees it coming and grabs his foot)
Dalton – No, you’re too stupid to have a good time.

I think of this every time I see someone lose their cool at a bar. You wouldn’t think someone could be too stupid to have a good time, but really that is the only explanation. Some guys go to bars not to meet babes and have a good time; some of em have something to prove. Some people are just too stupid to have a good time.

Jed – Red Dawn

Jed is a great candidate to kick cancer’s ass. A born leader, Jed commanded the Wolverine’s, a militia of American high school kids, who single handedly took down the Soviets and the Cubans, rescued their parents, and stopped Communism once and for all. So yeah, I think Jed could handle a little cancer. He led a group of makeshift soldiers, which included, Charlie Sheen (Platoon, Hot Shots), C. Thomas Howell (The Outsiders, Soul Man), Lea Thompson (Back to the Future), and Jennifer Grey (Dirty Dancing). Is there a tougher gang? Doubt it.

C. Thomas Howell, in case you don’t already know, is an 80’s icon with the likes of John Cusack and Patrick Dempsey. Howell has one edge on these two guys. He fought under Swayze twice, once in Red Dawn and once as Swayze’s little brother Ponyboy in The Outsiders. Quite the resume. However, I’m a bigger fan of his role in Soul Man, where he painted his face black to get into college as a minority… really funny, really offensive, and probably is the reason he is less successful than Cusack and Dempsey.

(Side Note: I once wrote an eight page paper in college entitled, “Cusack and Dempsey: God’s Among Men.” I think it was for an engineering class. I’m not a very good student.)

Matthew in Maryland makes his argument for Jed:

“ Swayze is great as all those Characters. But what beats a war hero? I mean seriously. I don’t know about you guys, but I am an American, A fucking Proud American…And Ill be damned if some commi assholes invades my beautiful country.

‘Your just a bunch scared little kids’ -Jed

He was right, and he turned those scared little kids into soldiers. Not only did he kill bad guys, but he showed those other boys how to be men and kill like men.”

You can’t fault a man for loving his country, and I certainly don’t fault Matthew for loving his Swayze. Jed is a solid Swayze to pick, like Matt said, nothing beats a war hero.

Let’s make this clear now. Comparing Swayze characters is like comparing Sexy apples to Badass oranges… there really is no wrong answer here.

Bodhi – Point Break
s_point-break_bw.jpg
Bodhi is possibly the most well rounded Swayze. He’s fearless, crazy, above the law, and understands of the cosmic balance between man and nature. Bodhi would fight cancer like he fought the law or how he fought Anthony Kiedis’ gang of assholes. Back off Warchild!! Those guys only live to get radical; they’ll never get the spiritual side of it. Bodhi exemplified the spiritual side of being an outlaw surfer.

You know Bodhi wouldn’t stop fighting cancer until his last breath. You also know he couldn’t handle a cage. He would take on cancer like the fifty-year storm, and surf into it without fear or hesitation. Maybe he won’t paddle to New Zealand, but he isn’t scared of the ultimate.

I don’t see Bodhi going through chemotherapy; he would defiantly use alternative medicines. His understanding of nature and the human psyche is beyond that of any other Swayze, and he could use that to fight cancer in a ‘mind over body’ type style.

Here is Jesse in Jersey with his Bodhi argument:

“Swayze’s character Bodhi in Point Break would be the best candidate to beat the cancer. Swayze has kept a very positive attitude regarding the diagnosis, which is proven to help cancer survivors. If you recall Point Break, Bodhi’s mantra was completely positive and fearless.

“Fear causes hesitation, and hesitation will cause your worst fears to come true. ”

In the event of terminal cancer, Swayze would ride off into the surf, get radical for the last time and be one with the earth and heavens. By doing this, he will become the martyr which breeds the philosophical entity that changes human civilization as we know it. Swayze will live on forever, as he is a part of all of us.

I thank Swayze everyday because I would be lost without him.”

Agreed Jesse, agreed.

Sam – Ghost

I’m going to start this one off with another fan’s take.

Here is Deek in VA with his Sam argument:

“I’d make the argument that Swayze’s character “Sam” in Ghost has a real good chance of beating cancer. Sam somehow managed to bring down his attacker Willie as well as his scumbag friend Carl…even though he was already dead. I don’t know too many people who have accomplished that. I have faith he can get through this.

You’ve gotta take all your emotion, all your love, all your pain and push it way down deep in to the pit of your stomach and let it explode like a reactor. Pow!”

All great points Deek. But lest not forget that Sam only managed to defeat Willie and Carl after Willie and Carl killed him. It wasn’t until he was already dead that he bested those two fuckers. Our goal here is to beat cancer BEFORE it kills Swayze. So even though it is comforting knowing that even in death, nothing will really kill Swayze, we still need to beat this cancer while he’s still alive.

If Swayze does die though, I’d like to think he’d come back to haunt Demi Moore. Can you imagine him using his ghost powers to enter Whoopi Goldberg’s body and warn Demi Moore that Ashton Kutcher is a dooshbag?

We would be watching the View, as I know we all like to do, and this would occur…

The other Black Lady – “I think the president should get off his butt and start presidenting.”

Barbara Walters- “I agree, I’m weally weally old. And I think bwah bwah bwah.”

Whoopi – “You women are a bunch of loud, annoying cunts! Shut the fuck up! Barbara you fuckin cyborg, just die already. The rest of you should be shipped off to some whorehouse in the South Pacific where they beat you with bamboo when you talk. Oh and Demi, Sam says, You in Danger girl!!”

Ditto Swayze, Ditto.

(Side note: Whoopi Goldberg was a or still is a guy right? Like can you imagine Whoopi naked and not having a penis? Which is more likely, ugliest women ever, or guy pretending to be a woman? Think about it… but don’t think about it long, because you might throw up. If I were a ghost, I think the last thing I would do is enter Whoopi Goldberg. I wouldn’t’ do it as a live person, I’m sure as hell not going to do it when I’m stuck between worlds with ghost powers.)

And yes, I realize my “Side Notes” are just an excuse for me to go on ridiculous tangents.

If anyone wants to throw in their two cents for Darryl from the Outsiders, or Johnny Castle from Dirty Dancing (too easy), or even Jack McCloud in three Wishes (he’s a fuckin shooting star/genie in that movie), or whatever your favorite Swayze is, by all means reply to this or add on to it and send it to friends. For respect for Swayze, can we all pretend the Donnie Darko child molester thing never happened? Great movie, but I don’t need to see Swayze like that.

What is really upsetting is how this story came out. The National Enquirer breaks the story, which means some scumbag is patting himself on the back and probably getting a bonus from his scumbag boss because he stalked Swayze. On top of that, those cocksuckers didn’t think Swayze having cancer was enough, so they made that shit up about his 5 weeks to live. The guy doesn’t even get to announce his own disease Magic Johnson style. Swayze has to read it in the tabloids with the added bonus of 5 WEEKS TO LIVE! That’s fuckin with Swayze’s family. That paparazzo should be living in a cave somewhere like Bin Laden. If Swayze fought terrorism the war would end with Swayze holding Bin Laden’s ripped trachea in his hand.

I happen to stumble across Entertainment Tonight, or The Insider or whatever the one with the blonde is, and I’m pretty sure this is Satan’s favorite show. I bet he Tivo’s it. Anyway, they have a countdown on that show for the daily entertainment headlines. Swayze dying of cancer… number 10. Number fuckin 10?!? I think Madonna’s open auditions for back-up dancers was number 6 and Britney farting may have been number 1. We’re in trouble people.

So pray to whatever God it is you pray to that Swayze makes it outta this one, and spread your inner Swayze with every moment of every day. Maybe if we all maximize our Swayzeness, he’ll feel it, and that will give him enough positive energy to fight this thing.

Hey it’s worth a shot, right?

GBPS!!

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