A name is very personal thing. It is a powerful piece of who we are. A name is applied to us, identifies us, it is the sound we respond to. Our name is an invocation of who we are; repeated it becomes a chant — a seductive mating call from a lover; an angry reproach from a parent. It is personal, it is fundamental and more importantly it is our own.
A name can be beautiful, eloquent and flattering such as Alessandra Ambrosio. It just flows off your tongue and sounds of beautiful gardens of yellow rose petals. Some people even have two first names like Ron Paul, which is pretty sweet:
“Some people call me Ron, some people call me Paul.”
It some cases however, ones first name combined with an odd surname can lead to torment, humiliation, and in some cases lives. One jolly young lad that I attended grammar school with had the unfortunate luck of being born into the Hunt family. His parents, not thinking of the future suffering and mental anguish that their newborn would endure, promptly named him Mike after his father. Say Mike Hunt five times fast in front of a woman. I dare you. Screw it, I double dare you.
A new year has dawned upon us and thus given way to a new list of names in sports that will in time be recorded throughout history whether it be the record books or some other book. After some rigorous Google work and detective-like research I came across a couple names that few people have had grace their ears. I have also added some names that just don’t seem to sit right with me. And without further ado, lets get to the names.
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Tatum Bell– Now this guy is a professional athlete in the NFL and I am kind of surprised his name has never been made fun of before. To me, his name sounds like it should be the name of a disgusting body part. Tatum, say it slow, its just weird.
“Damn my Tatum itches.”
“I just shaved my Tatum, it is silky smooth.”
Tatum sounds like it should be name for the patch of skin or ‘area’ where ones taint and scrotum meet. Taint, scrotum, Tatum. -
Bhawoh Jue– Another NFL man, this guy seems to have been the son of a Nazi Leader. The correct pronunciation of his name according to ESPN.com is, BOW JOO. Ouch, some tough love in this family.
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Coy Wire – Sticking in the NFL, this guy’s name is simply strange. Apparently his parents were pretty big fans of Derek Zoolander’s patented facial expression, Blue Steel, as played wonderfully by Benjamin Stiller, and actually were planning on
naming their son after it. Until that fateful day in the delivery room when they finally laid eyes on their newborn child and he just didn’t quite live up to the name, hence Coy Wire. WOWIE, look at the size of that forehead. The word coy is defined as; shy or slightly reserved, hesitant, modest. If I had a fucking forehead like that, damn right I’d be shy.
And the number one new name on the list:
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Ivana Mandic – This babe, eh hem, is a 6’4 BEAST of a woman who plays PF for the Charlotte 49er’s women’s basketball team. In whatever country she hails from, I’m sure this combo of first name and surname is considered perfectly normal. But not here in this melting pot we call the U S of A. And with that Ivana, you are famous. Not necessarily for your grace and ability on the basketball hardwood, but for the hard “wood” your name craves. I Wanna Man Dick. A true classic, it speaks for itself people.
Finally I wanted to pay tribute to some of the classics, some of the names that have paved the bumpy path that is life for others in the same predicament.
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Dick Trickle – NASCAR driver
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Misty Hyman – former Olympic swimmer
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Dick Pole – an MLB player
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Gaylord Perry – legendary pitcher
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Golden Johnson – welterweight boxer
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Harry Colon – ex-DB for the Lions
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Pull Dickoff – former West Ham soccer player
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Jack Glasscock – former MLB player
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Dean Windass – former Middlesbrough forward
True heroes among men. Oh and women.
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